apropos of nothing

A certain someone (who is one of my only readers of my fabulous blog) told me that I should try to capture the awesomeness that was Vancouver.   (side note: all of this is funnier now that I’m writing this during the olympics).   I’m actually amazed that I remember most of this.   

Now mind you this about four months overdue.

We got some choice information from one of the GES workers on all the places to go, as well as some pointers for crossing the border.   We didn’t listen to his border crossing advice because I (as the driver/payer of car/one of the the only people on the trip with a valid license) didn’t want to not play by the rules.   

On the way we tried to find an Indian Reservation.   Deb originally was going to ask a gas station attendant to tell us where one was.  However I believe he looked like an actual Indian and she didn’t feel right asking “do you live on a reservation, where is at?”   So instead she asked some stoners in a parking lot of a restaurant.   They told us about 10 minutes down the road.    Cue a 20 minute detour away from the highway to not find an Indian reservation.   I believe that the Indian reservation of the 2000s might just be trailer parks without tee-pees.

Cross the border was pretty funny…only not really.   I knew they typically ask a bunch of questions and hope you trip up, but I acted pretty cool (only not really) and answered all his questions without lying.  (I have a tendency to lie to official people)   

While driving up through Canada I demonstrating my awesome driving skills and a few times had to wave and do the “sorry…I’m not from here.”    We did use GES Mike’s “get off the highway and get back on” trick and it did save us probably a good twenty minutes.

We get to our hotel.  It looks like it may be in a tad sketchy area, however it was cheap. What is funny is that we just stayed in Seattle at a hotel that was at least $200 a night and now we switched to one that was $60 canadian dollars (split 4 ways).   The room was tiny,  but the bigger problem were the beds.   They were double beds.  Not a full, not a twin, not a queen, but a double.  The bed also had no bounce to it.   You sat on it and there you were.  

(We also came to find out that Lindsey’s super straighter sets off Canadian fire alarms and that she doesn’t know that the one shower curtain goes in the tub.)

At this time we hungry and decided it was time to get some grub.  We headed out with our pink ASPS umbrellas (it rained the entire fucking time we were there, except for maybe four hours) and went down one of the main roads.   

Deb did her research and found out that drugs are pretty commonplace in Vancouver. So commonplace that we saw some bums shooting up in an alley.   Apparently pot is legal in Vancouver as well.   (Well…let’s just say “legal”.)

We made a group decision that we should try some Thai food.  So we find this Thai restaurant that looked decent from the outside.   Upon entering and sitting down it we realized that we were wrong.  It smelled like what I believe the inside of a coffin would smell like if you were lying with a dead person.   Needless to say we left there.

We found another Asian place to eat at.   Deb and Hillary did ask a local where we should go, but he offered no real help.   The place we found was bright, clean and had a good menu.    We liked our food and our waiter.   As true American tourists, we had to take a picture with the waiter.   We asked the owner/manager to take it.   

We then went back to the hotel because it was a pretty long day for all.  

The next morning we woke up and decided to do a little touristy.   We went to the Gastown area and walked a round, tried to find a bank to exchange so money and then grabbed some maple coffee.   Canada is serious about their maple syrup.  

We went to Stanley Park and walked around the Aquarium.   A dude from the grocery store the night told us we could just walk around it and not get it  (I didn’t know this the first time I was there, otherwise I may have not paid either.)  We got to see the beluga whales.   

We were told by another GES person that we should check out the Capsilano Suspension Bridge.  So we decided to check that out.  It was $30 Canadian dollars and worth every penny.   Even the part where the little Asian man was jumping on the bridge and shaking it a bit more than normal to scare me.   They had these totem poles you could take your picture with, which we did.   I believe Deb offended the Indian totem pole make by asking a randomly non-odd question.  

We then had lunch at this cafe in the next town over.   Deb asked the lady if the butter in the cups was cheese and the lady responded with “Cheese!???” like Deb was the dumbest person on the planet.   It was pretty funny, but sort of summed up the “is this really happening vibe” that seemed to follow us for these three days.

Traffic was pretty bad going back to the downtown vancouver, but we had a plan once we got into the city - find some much needed feminine products.   We go to a 7-11 and they don’t have anything, so we go back to the Canadian walgreens and Deb and Lindsey say “meet us back at the corner (or something like that).   Hilary and I pull up to this spot and just stay there for at least ten minutes.   (Now..I’m the only one who has a phone that works, so there was no phone calling).   Finally I was like “they probably don’t know where we are at.”    Hilary found them waiting for us where they thought we would be and not where we were.   It would have been more comical if it was raining and cold as shit.   (We had some communicating problems throughout our adventure…it was a common theme.)

I can’t remember if we actually ate dinner this night.

We decided to drink a bit in the hotel room before going out.   We had to walk to the liquor store and get some.   And while they had TONS of cider beer to choose from, everything was fucking expensive.   Maybe that is why pot is “legal” because it is cheaper.  (More on that later).    I think I also bought two bags of chips for $10 dollars.  Ridiculous.   Maybe that is why I didn’t see any really fat ladies while we were Canada.  Food is just too expensive.

Anyway…we get back to the hotel, drink some, watch some literal videos on youtube and then finally decide to go out.   We go back to the main drag and spot a sports bar and decide that would be a good place to go for a drink.   We go right passed the actual door and pass up these two people smoking.   We go to this unmarked door and start making our way down the stairs and then upon turning the corner we realize that we went to the wrong door. 

We go back upstairs and the two people smoking are like “why the hell are you going there, it is a gay bath house.”   Oh right…we are idiots.   So after going and washing our hands from touching the railing going down the stairs we sit down and order drinks.   We make friends with the bartender and Deb asks her about the pot situation.  (Now I’m not sure if she was the one that told us that technically it isn’t legal, but the police have better things to do that bust people for it).    She says “well you should go to the Cambie, it’s this bar in Gastown and their is a hostal right above it, people there probably have some.  You can also go to the Amsterdam Cafe.  You can smoke it there if you buy something to eat/drink.   (I’m not sure if this girl also told us about the Vapor place, but I’ll get into that later).

We finish our drinks there, grab a cab and go to the Amsterdam Cafe.   We roll in just when they are closing, so we decide we’ll have to check it out tomorrow.

We then go to The Cambie, order some drinks and hang for a bit.  I think we were drinking pints of Labatt Blue.  How Canadian!  Deb strikes up a conversation with the dudes behind us.   She went outside to smoke with one of the random dudes  (he was a drug dealer, now he is a chef and wanted to take her around the world, they’ll find each other on facebook if it was meant to be - DON’T WORRY!).

Lindsey, Hillary and I decide that maybe we want to play some pool, so we move to the other side.  Hillary goes to ask about pool and starts talking to this guy.   At some point she just asked him where we can get some pot.  He said something about his brother knowing someone who was selling there tonight.   So we then make two new friends - The Madden Brothers (yeah, they looked like night and day, so we made them show us their ids).  I hang back with little brother (who was actually the older one) and we have a conversation about Chicago and all it’s awesomeness.   He was into sports and wanted to chat about the Bulls.  (Like I care…I don’t even know who is on the team anymore).   Lindsey and Hilary go outside to buy some.   I believe Deb came back from her smoke break.

We all then go this little back part of the bar so the little one can roll some for us because he was the “best joint roller on the face of the planet”.   Cue an hour later when he is still rolling, chatting and wasting time.  The drug dealer comes in (wearing a Steelers cap) and orders a round of this shot called “fireball” for everyone in the room.   I figure out what this liquor is and basically refuse.  Joint Roller mentions that it would be disrespectful to not take the shot.   So I make the point that there was a probability that I was going to yack on the table.   Luckily I didn’t.   Deb decides she’s had it with this whole rolling episode.   We go into the bathroom and she says “I’m going to act super drunk and we have to get out of here!”.   So we get back to the table and she turns on the drunk.   Lindsey and Hillary aren’t getting it, so finally I’m like “we have to take her back”.    So we get what’s ours and start heading out.    Well not before the madden bros decided we should all share a joint.   While we wait for a cab, huddled under an umbrella, trying to keep “drunk deb” up, they pass around one of the “best joint roller in the world’s” finest displays.   

I’m managing “drunk Deb” at the time.  I have to stop her from sticking her fingers down her throat (She’s a method actress…). 

We finally get in the cab and Deb reveals she wasn’t that drunk.   It’s pretty funny, but some didn’t find it as funny.   

More on this later…(I’m only posting this so Deb has something to read at work).

This little tour video (from youtube) will come in handly later. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruY14XDKfzc